Real Stories / Real Truth
Since the time I was a young teenager I have had a strong desire to be a mother. I have always loved being around children. Growing up I had many opportunities to learn how to care for children. I enjoyed babysitting, assisting my mother with a daycare in our home, and working in our church nursery. Years later, my husband, Scott, told me that a specific quality that drew him to me was what he discerned to be the heart of a woman who would someday make a devoted, loving mother.
Each of us has special occasions in our lives, once-in-a-lifetime moments that we cherish. Some change the course of our lives – or the direction of our hearts – forever. For one it may be graduation day, a wedding, or achieving a particular goal one has set. For another it might be an especially memorable birthday, a personal achievement, or the birth of a child. While my husband Bill and I have recollections of many such joyous moments, there have also been some heartaches along the way. Specifically, we have faced two occasions of seemingly unbearable sadness. These were the days when we lost our children, as well as the dreams we had for our lives with them.
When we are surrendered to the Lord, our trials in life become opportunities for growth in grace. The beginning years of my married life were characterized by infertility, miscarriage and daily depression; but through the pain, Christ has brought me to a greater faith in Him and a burning desire to share His love and mercy with others.
I suppose many women and men try to imagine what their babies will look like once they are born. I used to try and imagine what I would look like pregnant. I must confess that when we started trying to conceive, I even stopped to look at maternity clothes in store windows. I could not wait to have the loose fitting wardrobe for my own.
“Infertility” the diagnosis read as I got into my car that hot summer afternoon. “No, I am not infertile,” I said aloud as I wiped the tears from my eyes. It was the first time I had seen it written about myself regarding my on going pursuit to have a baby. The word pierced my heart as I pondered the previous months that brought me to this point.
Tony and I became Christians as teenagers, so when we married, we were excited about establishing a Christ centered home and starting our lives together as husband and wife. We were like most couples who look forward to traveling, establishing careers, buying a home and starting a family.